January 10, 2016
Good afternoon world. I just wanted to begin this year with a little bit of gratitude. Today I am grateful that I have learned to face consequences in life, good and bad. I know this may not be earth shattering to you, but it kinda is to me. I spent so many years dodging the shame of mistakes I made or avoiding the pride in the successes I had, personal or otherwise. I have lived long enough to know that owning all of who I am, positive or negative, has allowed me to survive this long, and in fact thrive. I have learned, much as the ancients teach us, there is in fact a Yin and Yang to the universe. My hope is that these two will balance out in the long run ( of course I am hoping for the Yin to win the race). It is always preferable to have a long run on the up side of life and a short run on the down side. The down side doesn't need to be long to teach me the lesson, the pain usually does that.
So anyway, back to this year. I begin this year in the upswing. I am enjoying a quiet, peaceful time of "enough." Enough of all that is good. I hope that you find this too.
Namaste,
Joan
January 10, 2018
I have been wanting to write for many days. Today a client overslept and gave me the time. Much to my surprise I see that I posted exactly one year ago today. Synchronicity.
Last year I spent a lot of time musing about "Schadenfreude." I learned the word a number of years ago at a seminar on trauma. It is of German origin. It means, at it's most simple, pleasure derived at another person's misfortune. At its most benign, that would be what we see on America's Funniest Videos - a large man sitting in a chair that explodes under his weight or someone jumping live out of a present and scaring the recipient. Most all of us can admit to having a bit of Schadenfreude in us.
What has caused me much thought the last year is at the other end of the continuum - where people set other people up to be hurt. Much like Karpman's triangle - bully, victim, rescuer - some people gather an army and focus their venom on someone else. When the venom effects the person - upset, tears, confusion, disorientation, depression - they step back in satisfaction. They use this devastation on the part of the victim as proof they are wise, put upon, etc. The whole dynamic is to demonize someone and then gain satisfaction, pleasure, at the devastation in the other person. With an added plus of being able to wash your hands of being the cause.
Example: Teenagers. Yes they are alien possessed at times, but they are developmentally trying on separation and their "own" view of the world. So a teenager walks into the room and is told something they don't like. They huff, puff, or eyeroll. This is taken by the adult(s) as proof that the teenager is bad, wrong, mean. When in fact, it is the adult beginning to demonize them. "You're being mean to me." "You don't respect me." "You're bullying me." "See, they are doing it again."
This stage of separation should be met with clear boundaries and self esteem statements (Jean Clarke - I see you are trying to be independent. You really want me to see your point of view. Etc.) But someone who embraces Schadenfreude, begins to create a circumstance of proof of the "badness" of the teenager. When this is done, particularly by two parents, then they can righteously blame the teen for getting angry or melting in tears. This is further proof of the badness of the child, giving rise to smugness, righteousness and PLEASURE in the parents and the child's misery.
This happens repeatedly with Narcissistic parents. Parents who have not defined themselves except as a reflection of perfection (Donald Trump) or victimhood (Woody Allen). Either I am the best in the universe or I am victimized by everyone. Either way, it is about me. Not you. Sorry, no room in my mirror for you, only me.
I know it. I see it - work, school, families, etc. Karpman delineated it with his triangle. What has provoked me is the question - what is it in some people that they like to agitate and aggravate others to make them suffer. I am aware of genetics part in this. I am aware of the zero sum game (There is zero change. If I gain 20 units, you have to lose 20 units.) But my question is larger - what motivates, drives this aggression?
At present my working hypothesis is spirituality. Those with a spiritual core are who are targeted. There is a lack of spirituality or moral compass in those that perpetrate it.
More on this later.
February 6, 2018
Good afternoon A beautiful warm winter day. Temperature around 72 degrees. I sit here letting the sun com through my window and I have begun to focus on this mental dilemma that I have been struggling with. How "No good deed goes unpunished." I was listening to an incredible book by Max Strom - A Life Worth Breathing. He talks about breathing "breath" into our heart and soul to gain clarity and to become one with our own individual spirituality. Literally breathing. I have been consciously doing this throughout the day and the night (when I awaken). I have begun to do it more and be conscious in my yoga practice to do this. For a week. Only.
Yet, it has been an awakening to a peace and serenity that has visited me only sporadically. It is allowing me to call in this oneness, calm and love frequently. It is making it hard to focus on the negativity, anger, upset, etc. that surrounds me, us. A fullness, of hope and healing, are making their way through my entire being.
I was right (not that that matters). I have been preaching breath for many years. That old adage is true - We teach the thing we need to learn the most. I am finally beginning to learn.
In to a count of three, out to a count of five . . . . .
February 8, 2018
Tech addiction. A new phrase for me, but it captures what I have known for a long time. People are distancing themselves from others. So much easier. Write words and send them. Don't have to look in the eye of the recipient. Handle the sticky situations of life efficiently and quickly. -
"I am sorry. Our relationship doesn't work anymore. Bye"
"We no longer need your services/"
"Sorry to inform you .... (fill in the blank)
And grow distant from others - and yourself. Life and relationships use to be so intricately woven,much like a beautiful tapestry - the nuances of a lifted eyebrow, a sweet smile, peeking out from under eyelashes, a wink. Those human connections that go beyond technology. Emojis help flesh out texts, but they don't replace our heart and soul.
Distance.
But a sweet surprise with technology? A connection to people. People I haven't seen or talked to for decades. Facebook, instagrams, texting. In just a moment I can connection with someone I haven't seen since high school, so many years ago. I can drop love bombs on them - Loved your smile in high school. I think of you often. I wondered where you went How lucky I am to have found you. Remember when I lived by you when we were five and were best friends?
Closeness.
In a moment I will take time out to connect with somebody, yet before I didn't. Too much time or no way to find them. Interrupt my day. All those excuses and reasons for letting go of connections. With the gift of technology we can connect now. Or we can disconnect.
Which will it be for you??????
February 14, 2018
Happy Valentines Day!!!! This is always a tough/exciting day for people. Tough for those in lonely places and exciting for those in love. I can't compete with all of the internet, TV, Hallmark, corner stands and flower shops with ideas for Valentines Day, not to mention Sees Candy - my nemesis.
For those who find themselves alone, This is a day for charity and self-love. Time to open the door for someone, hold the elevator, let them go ahead of you in line, send them a random text with a "Bitmoji" in it, look outside at the world and see where you might brighten someone's day. I would say to pass out candy, but you could get arrested for that! LOL What I am trying to say is that if we take a moment to look out at the world when ours feels dark or bleak, sunshine might sneak back in. A smile increases the Oxytocin level - the hormone of love, connection, relationship and well being from humans or others (in my case, my two Doodle dogs). All it takes to produce this hormone is to look into the eyes of another living being.
I know this can be hard, with everyone's neck bent looking at their phone. But when you say Happy Valentines Day, I guarantee they will look up for a moment. Grab that chance and spread around some oxytocin and take some in. By the end of the day your cup will be filled.
This is a simple task, but for many it is not easy. Push yourself today. Fill your heart with love and connection.
Have a heartfelt, loving day.
April 19, 2018
Self Assuredness vs. Self Centered
Good morning world. Just went on a walk with my two doodle dogs. The puppy, Rosie, is quite rambunctious and self centered. It is her job. She's young and going through the stage of learning about herself and being that boldly. Her mother, Sadie, is three years old. She walks along with confidence, not needing to annoy the other dog, not needing to pull on the leash to go in "her" direction, just walking along confidently, knowing who she is, what she likes and where she is going (I have her on a leash, but she knows the way, and walks confidently).
I think about them as symbols of how my week and my world are going. The universe is once again throwing "Narcissists" at me. In words and the living. The DSM-V, the diagnosis book for my profession (really, just insurance codes) describes it this way.
1. Grandiose sense of self importance
2. Preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty or love.
3. Believe they are special and can only be understood by the most important.
4. Requires excessive admiration and flattery.
5. Sense of entitlement.
6. Exploits other people.
7. Lacks empathy.
8. Envious of others
9. Shows arrogant, haughty (rude and abusive) behaviors or attitudes toward others
This may describe someone you know. All the DSM requires is 5 of these to have the diagnosis of Narcissist. The persons I have used for 30 years to exemplify this are Donald Trump and Woody Allen (way before politics). Donald Trump exhibits the arrogant side and Woody Allen exhibits the victim side. However, they meet these criteria and have for a long time.
So why am I getting so clinical? Well, this week has been hitting me with this topic like a Mack truck. Two mothers are dealing with adult children who are exhibiting these characteristics, and #9 especially is injuring the mothers. Another client did EMDR (trauma treatment and another day's topic) on the topic of her narcissism. A pregnant couple came in yesterday dealing with Grandma's Narcissism and worry about it being contagious. (The contagion part is not to worry about, there is only room for one Narcissist in a family.)
I am amazed with the incredible increase in the number of Narcissistic tendencies and how much havoc they create. Thirty years ago when I began, there were a few - as clients or problem makers. The increase in their number of course is due to sociological factors - Social Media where I can continually have my 15 minutes of fame, a move towards a throw-away society, and the first generation of children that WILL NOT do better than their parents, so take it now. Not to mention our Narcissistic President.
The Narcissists do not stay in therapy long with me. I am direct and tell them about their Narcissistic style, how it effects others and if they are willing to look at it and adjust. They leave counseling. Too fragile to be introspective or too arrogant to be teachable. I do not know where to send them. I guess to buy more mirrors.
More on this later....
April 25, 1949
Today is a bright and wonderful day. I am choosing today to stop my part time job of picking up the refuse of life left behind by others. Outside of my profession, I have earned enough badges, or points, or stripes, or kudos for being the trash picker upper. No more collecting passive aggressive remarks or posts on social media, no more mind reading eye rolling, no more trying to fill in the blanks of unfinished comments. I will just spend the rest of the day breathing to a 4 in, 4 out count.
Ahhhh....
August 23, 2018
Good morning world. Today is a marvelous day. This is the second day in a row below 100 degrees. Hard to believe 97 feels cool. The air quality is almost normal, the fires in California are now mostly contained. What a summer!!!
Enough about the weather. What is going on? Well, for one thing, my 17 year old grandson moved in with my husband and I. I get to do this parenting thing again for a year. I certainly hope I have learned something in the last 20 years to help him and teach him better than when I was a "green" first time parent.
It seems Fortnite had taken over his life and scholastics dropped by the wayside. So in June my husband John and I whisked him over to Port Hueneme, CA. There he spent 48 days going out on the fishing boat "The Gentleman" with Captain Don Rowell (a family friend). His job was apprentice pinhead - the one who helps get lines untangled. He worked from 5 am to 5 pm and was paid $30 a day. He had only 6 days off the whole summer. He didn't play Fortnite, he had only a flip phone, and he was tired and went to bed every night. At the end of the summer he was a very tan young man who had developed pride in himself and he had a bank account with hard earned money in it. There was a crew member that was 70. He saw what his future could be if he didn't finish his education.
The last day of his summer job, the crew threw him overboard. An initiation into the brotherhood of fishermen. He earned every bit of it.
So now we are at the time where the rubber meets the road - SCHOOL. He is a senior so there are only 10 months to catch up and graduate. Hard work for us all.
The gifts of this? John never had children. He has been close to his four granddaughters, and now is his time to "father" a son. He is doing a great job, backing my girl influence off at just the right times he needs to be a "boy." It is beautiful to watch. As John says - "everyone deserves to be loved and guided." He is doing just that.
So this is what is keeping us busy. How blessed we are.
